In giving consequences do not negotiate.  Children often try to argue for less severe consequences to make the consequence less unpleasant. 

Most of us as parents hate to make things unpleasant for our children.  We don’t enjoy seeing our children suffer.  As a result levying consequences are emotionally distressing for us as well.  It is tempting to negotiate a reduction in the consequence to reduce our distress.

Many children upon receiving a consequence try to get us to change our minds.  They may start by offering an excuse for the behavior and when that does not work they may  complain that the consequence is unfair.  If those two methods fail, they may seek to reduce the severity of the consequence by promising to do better in the future or by offering to make amends. 

Caving into these strategies creates an environment where a child learns that I don’t mean what I say.  Once I agree to a reduction in one consequence I encourage my child to try to negotiate the next time.  As the situation repeats again and again, I begin to feel more and more helpless and my child becomes more and more intense in arguing her case.  Soon, levying a consequence becomes an argument every time.  I begin to dread levying consequences and am tempted to ignore problem behaviors.  If I give in to that temptation it does not take long before the situation grows even worse, perhaps beyond my control.

If I want to reduce the arguments I must hold fast to the stated consequences.

In selecting a consequence it is important to determine to what degree the behavior was within my child’s control.

In general, the severity of the consequence should correspond to my child’s ability to control his behavior.

We need to ask ourselves did my child have the ability to comply? Sometimes the answer to this question is easy. Other times it is not so easy.

When our children are very emotional their ability to think through a situation deteriorates. All of us have had the experience of saying or doing something when really angry that we regret later. At moments of intense emotional arousal thinking may actually stop. A child may be acting on pure emotion and lack the ability to think about good ways to handle the problem. In my experience most if not all children, and most if not all adults, have this experience at some time in their lives. Some children have this happen often.

A child who is overwhelmed by an emotion is not as able to act effectively as a child who is experiencing strong feelings but is not overwhelmed. While we need to give a consequence in both of these circumstances, the severity of the consequence should correspond to the degree with which we feel our child had the ability to consider and act upon better options to the problem.

For some children, medication is necessary to help them experience a reduction in intensity of their emotional arousal. The medication is intended to reduce the power of the emotions so that they have a greater ability to problem solve.

 Problem behaviors generally fall into classes:

           Impulsive words or actions that need to be restrained.

                                                  Unacceptable words/ tones

                                                  Refusal to follow direction

                                                  Failure to cooperate

                                                  Hitting, shoving, pushing, etc.

                                                  Deliberate damage to property

In general safety issues are most critical. For example, we cannot respond casually to a child who knows it is wrong to run into the street and deliberately does this.

Physical actions of disobedience are generally more serious than verbal actions of disobedience. For example, a child who hits his sister has done something more serious then a child who simply yells at his sister.

Deliberate actions of disobedience are generally more serious then acts of neglect. For example, a child who forgets to make his bed as part of the morning process of getting ready for school has done something less serious than a child who fails to make his bed when you give him the instruction.

Failure to respond to a direction when fully present to a situation is generally more serious then when I am preoccupied with something. For example, the behavior of a child who fails to follow an instruction because she is caught up in a television show is not the same as a child who is standing in front of you making eye contact with no distractions who fails to comply.

1. A consequence is a consequence only if it works.

For example, a child who has now played all of his video games to the point where they are routine may not mind losing them. Using this as a consequence at this time will not work.

We want to choose a consequence that is no more unpleasant than we need to choose. Don’t take away all privileges for something that can be accomplished by a stern voice.

Consequences can be things, such as removal of toys. Consequences can be the loss of privileges, such as cell phone time. Consequences can be loss of activities, such as loss of time with dad. Consequences can be social disapproval, such as saying “I’m disappointed with you.”

Some consequences would never be rewards. For example, having a child write a letter of apology, do extra homework, or stand in the corner would be good examples of consequences that would generally never be used as rewards.

In the same way a reward offered hours or days from now does not feel very pleasant now, a consequence that is delayed does not feel unpleasant. As a result, a delayed consequence might have to be larger than a consequence given immediately.

This is perhaps even more critical in levying consequences than in giving rewards. If a child feels poorly about himself and unconsciously acts to reinforce that poor image, the consequence actually rewards the poor self-esteem. However, failing to levy a consequence for misbehavior rewards misbehavior. This complication makes it more difficult to know how to respond.

Interventions with these children require that I very carefully levy a consequence in a way that CLEARLY shows a child that he/she is still loved despite the misbehavior. For example, you might levy the consequence by saying, “I got a call from you teacher that you missed another homework assignment. You know that the consequence for this is that you cannot watch television tonight. This is going to be difficult for both of us. I enjoy seeing you enjoy yourself and don’t like to see you unhappy. However, since I love you deeply, I must do something that will help you to do better in the future. So, in addition to doing the homework you missed, you will need to write five reasons why homework is important to your future. I really love you.”

This too sounds counterintuitive, but it is important to understand in choosing rewards.  In a study with young children they were given rewards to play with toys they clearly enjoyed.  Later when the reward system was stopped and the children were again permitted to play freely, the researchers observed that children played with their previously favorite toys less and instead chose new toys.

In essence these children lost their internal motivation to play with the toys when the external reward was given.

How does this apply?  Imagine that I decided that since Butch and Sam don’t make their beds in the morning I would offer a reward to them. However, Jane makes her bed every day without any prompting. However, I offer all three of them the same reward to make their beds. I am pleased when all three beds are made the next day. I am even more pleased when after a week we have had almost perfect bed-making.

Now unbeknown to me Jane used to make her bed because it was fun for her. She enjoyed seeing the finished bed and particularly enjoyed putting her doll on the pillow where she imagined the doll would think of her while she was at school. Now that she is getting a reward, the internal reward has decreased and the reward I am offering is more important.  If for some reason I stop the reward system I will expect Butch and Sam to stop making their beds, but will be surprised when Jane stops. The reason is that Jane is now responding to the external reward rather than the internal reward.

It is not wrong to offer rewards for activities children already enjoy doing.  In the example above, it was important to do it to treat all three children alike.  However, in choosing rewards I should consider this principle.

The idea of children sabotaging rewards is counterintuitive. It simply does not make any sense to us that a child would misbehave to avoid getting something he or she seems to want. 

A child with a very low self-esteem may feel deep inside he deserves to fail. Failing is consistent with his low self-esteem. It actually feels safer to fail than to succeed even though it may include parents and teachers giving him stern warnings, loss of recess and other privileges, etc. While the low self-esteem does not feel good he knows what this feels like – it is familiar and safe because it is known. Earning a reward may create confusion or even worse feelings of guilt or self-loathing, depending on what happened to fuel the very low self-esteem. For some of these children having a teacher or parent say “Good job” is enough to elicit an uncontrolled outburst.

To a lesser degree many children with normal self-esteem also have moments when they do something that prevents them from achieving a goal they have voiced a desire to achieve. While the response is not as extreme as it is for the children with very low self-esteem, it is essentially the same dynamic.

For example, a twelve-ear old boy who says he wants to play football may suddenly begin missing homework assignments so that he is prevented from joining the team. These unconscious actions may be a result of the anxiety he feels about trying a new sport where he will be tested and possibly fail. It is unconsciously more rewarding to maintain a sense of inadequacy than to put himself to the test.

This should not be so surprising. Imagine if I offer your favorite candy bar to you now versus offering it to give it to you a week from now. As I imagine this it is easy to feel the difference. Brain studies show that the pleasure centers of our brain become active when offered the candy bar now and do not become active when we offered the candy bar a week from now. The delayed reward does not affect the way feel now and so it is less powerful. At the same time, while immediate rewards are more powerful, always giving rewards immediately does not encourage our children to work toward long-term goals.

· In general, younger children need rewards more immediately.  Younger children do not have the same delayed capacity and so rewards should generally be given as quickly as possible.

· Impulsive children, regardless of age, need rewards more immediately.  Having the reward in hand makes behaving feel good now.   Impulsive children have trouble waiting. 

· During the initial stages of targeting a particular behavior, giving an immediate reward is more important than after the behavior is established. When a child is learning to change behavior patterns, whether it be remembering to check a homework log as he is packing to go home, remembering to put a book bag in a certain place as he enters the door at home, or remembering to brush his teeth, it will take much more conscious attention.  Immediate rewards are more important at this point than when it becomes a habit.

· Giant rewards for long-term goals often don’t work. For example, I have encountered parents who have offered a Disney World vacation if a child improves his grades over the next two marking periods.  While the reward is powerful, for most children, particularly the ones who don’t naturally enjoy school, it is not powerful in motivating behavior now.

Parents often forget how many different types of rewards exist. As a result they limit themselves.

· A reward can be something I can touch and see. These include things like snacks, money, toys, etc.

· A reward can be something social. These include time with friends, parties, family activities, or attention from a parent.  Words like “Good job”, “I love you”, “I’m proud of you” are easy to say and are rewarding. Even non-verbal gestures like a smile or an approving nod of the head can be powerful rewards.  We often forget how powerful words can be.

In this regard a pattern sometimes missed is that children misbehave to get attention. The sequence goes like this. If the child behaves, the parent feels relieved. It is easy in our hectic life styles to unconsciously ignore a behaving child, especially if his sister is misbehaving and demanding our attention. The problem is that the misbehavior of his sister at least gets attention. The behaving son may unconsciously begin misbehaving to get attention, because good behavior results in our failure to pay “A”ttention.

· A reward might be a desired activity. As I have said before, I have found that time spent playing video games, watching television, playing on the computer, or talking on the cell phone is rewarding for most children. In fact they seem to crave it.

· A reward might be something that can be exchanged for another reward. An example of this would stars on a chart that when accumulated can be cashed in for a desired toy. Another good example is money for a chore. The money is then exchanged for something the child really wants.

· Reward may be internal. Internal rewards are the good feelings we get when we complete a certain activity. For example when a child surprises mom by doing the dishes and feels good even before mom notices because he knows it will make mom happy. Internal rewards are not the types of rewards that we can offer for something accomplished, but can be reinforced by a hug, smile, or “good job”.

Internal rewards are also critical in understanding many behavior patterns. For example, siblings often find that quarreling is rewarding in some way. I am humbled to remember the many times I enjoyed saying something mean to my sister that elicited an argument. While I knew I would probably get into trouble with my parents it felt GOOD to see her upset.

As a final thought, A good reward is one that can be repeated. Rewards like television time, video game time, computer time, etc. are easily repeated. Most children find these activities rewarding like to do them for hours on end. A special snack that is given only for a specified behavior is easily repeated. In contrast, offering to take a child to a Phillies baseball game cannot be done regularly (at least on my budget).

• Big rewards are big motivators, but they increase the need for big rewards.  For example, offering a child $5 per week to take out the garbage, a task that may take only a few minutes, leads to the expectation that $5 is not enough to do a task that takes a longer period of time
• When offering money for a task it is best to start by identifying how much per hour you would feel is fair. Then take the amount of time you expect is required to complete the task the calculate the amount you will pay based on that figure. Thus, if you decide to pay $10 per hour and a task requires 15 minutes you will set the reward value at $2.50.

In choosing a reward you want to choose a reward that is big enough to get the job done, but not bigger. It is easier to increase the size of a reward than to decrease it because it is too hard for you to continue. For example, imagine that you decide that you want to offer your children time spent alone with mom doing a chosen activity. You decided for each day they make their beds they earn 10 minutes of time at the end of the week with you doing something like playing a board game, going for a walk, riding a bicycle together, etc. If you are successful each of your children will make his or her bed every day and this will mean that you must spend 1 hour and 10 minutes with each child. If you have four children, that will total almost 5 hours out of your weekend. Most of us do not have that amount of free time.

In my experience parents who offer rewards that are too large cannot keep up with them and soon give up. Their children will keep asking or complaining for a brief time, but will soon give up as well. As a result a good idea fails and with it, it creates the impression on children that we offer something and don’t follow through. The next time we propose a reward for behavior our children are less likely to respond because they remember the failed attempt from before.

Rewards don’t work if they are too small. Using the example above, imagine that you offer 30 seconds of quality time for each day the bed is made. This works out great for you because at the end of the week 30 seconds times 7 days times 4 children adds up to only 14 minutes. This is well within your ability to do it each week. However, since each child gets a total of 3 minutes and 30 seconds the reward value is likely to be nothing.

There are six principles that we will address.
1. A reward is a reward only if it works.
2. A reward should match the effort made to earn the reward
3. There are many types of rewards
4. In general a reward given closer to when it is earned is more powerful than a delayed reward
5. Children with poor perceptions of themselves may sabotage the very rewards they say they want.
6. Rewards for activities children already do may actually decrease their natural motivation to do those activities.

1. A reward is a reward only if it works.

Said in another way, if I offer a reward to my child for something and my child does not do that which I am targeting, chances are that what ever I am offering is not rewarding enough or not at all. A mistake many parents make is to select rewards based on their own personal tastes. While this may work most of the time, it fails more often than we would like to admit.

When my kids were young my wife and I decided to offer money as an incentive to do some of the extra chores in the house. We included things like mowing the lawn, weeding the flower beds, etc. The way we established the amount of the reward was to estimate the amount of time needed to complete the task and pay “minimum wage”. The system worked fairly well for the two boys. They often had toys they were looking forward to buying, so opportunities to earn money were desirable. In contrast, my daughter had no strong need for tangible items so money was not motivating her. She had not motivation to do extra chores around the house.

Here are some suggested steps to selecting a reward that works:

· Imagine what would be rewarding to you. If you remember what it was like to be the age of your son/daughter you may be able to identify what would have worked for you. Often this is a good place to begin.

· Ask your children what they think would be rewarding to them. Many children can give us ideas about what they would like to have and what they think might motivate them. However, we must recognize that sometimes what they imagine to be rewarding may not actually be as fun as they imagine.

· Closely watch what things seem to motivate your children now. How do they spend their time and what do they ask to have or ask to do. For example, find that video games, computer, television time, and cell phone time are rewards that rank high for many children.

· Test the rewards and modify the system based on how effective the rewards are. Often when implementing a reward it does not work as expected. Here we need to pay close “A”ttention to what happens so that we can modify the reward or select a more powerful reward in the future.