How Do I Select Consequences? – Part 4 – Don’t Negotiate A Consequence Once Administered

In giving consequences do not negotiate.  Children often try to argue for less severe consequences to make the consequence less unpleasant. 

Most of us as parents hate to make things unpleasant for our children.  We don’t enjoy seeing our children suffer.  As a result levying consequences are emotionally distressing for us as well.  It is tempting to negotiate a reduction in the consequence to reduce our distress.

Many children upon receiving a consequence try to get us to change our minds.  They may start by offering an excuse for the behavior and when that does not work they may  complain that the consequence is unfair.  If those two methods fail, they may seek to reduce the severity of the consequence by promising to do better in the future or by offering to make amends. 

Caving into these strategies creates an environment where a child learns that I don’t mean what I say.  Once I agree to a reduction in one consequence I encourage my child to try to negotiate the next time.  As the situation repeats again and again, I begin to feel more and more helpless and my child becomes more and more intense in arguing her case.  Soon, levying a consequence becomes an argument every time.  I begin to dread levying consequences and am tempted to ignore problem behaviors.  If I give in to that temptation it does not take long before the situation grows even worse, perhaps beyond my control.

If I want to reduce the arguments I must hold fast to the stated consequences.